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At the Loss of a Very Close Loved One - A Pastoral Guide from Pastor Kaji

This guide is written for anyone who is helping to make decisions, offer support, or walk alongside others in the days and weeks after a loss. Not everything here will apply to everyone—but may it serve as a companion, no matter your role.

I. In the Immediate Moments

Care for Yourself and Others

In the early days after a loss, grief can cloud even simple decisions. Things may come more slowly, and that’s okay. Try to:

Take a beat. Pray. Rest, as best you can.

Drink water. Eat something, even just a bite.

Breathe deeply when overwhelmed.

First Steps

Reach out to a pastor, spiritual advisor, or your loved one’s faith community. If you’re not sure who to contact, someone else can make this call for you.

Contact a funeral home. If you don’t have one in mind, clergy or trusted friends may have recommendations.

Park Avenue Christian Church’s preferred provider is Eternity Funeral Services.

Identify someone who can begin notifying others. Ideally, someone who already knows the wider circle.

Consider what you’d like others to know: Is it okay for them to share the news? Should visits happen at a certain time?

A more detailed Notifications checklist is available later in this guide.

II. In the First Few Days

Make Space for Grief

Give everyone more room than you think might be needed.

Say yes to offers of help.

Attend to Practical Needs

Check on your loved one’s home: pets, perishables, urgent matters.

Let the funeral home know if there were instructions in place.

Take a moment to write down anything you can remember about your loved one’s wishes. This doesn’t need to be final. Others can add to it.

Begin talking about burial or cremation, and the kind of service that feels most faithful to your loved one.

Determine the location and officiant for any service.

If burial is planned: confirm the cemetery, plot, and schedule.

Decide whether there will be a repast (reception), and who might coordinate logistics.

Try to begin gathering important documents (see Business & Legal Administration).

If your loved one had an attorney, consider reaching out to begin any necessary legal steps.

III. Assigning Responsibilities Among Closest Loved Ones

No one is meant to carry this alone. Whether you’re family by blood, bond, or choice, this is a time to share the weight. If you are reading this, you may be one of the people holding things together, or offering to help someone else who is. These notes are meant to guide anyone navigating the days ahead.

Ensure there is someone assigned to:

Keep an eye on the big picture and help coordinate communication.

Confirm service details with the funeral home, clergy, and venue.

Host visitors, manage food and flow at home, and offer hospitality.

Gather paperwork, make phone calls, and assist with forms and documents.

Curate photos, create a slideshow, select music, or organize a memory table.

Manage notifications and updates (see Notifications checklist).

Check in on how others are doing—and support rest and care.

In many families, one or two people may be legally or practically responsible for final decisions—especially when there’s a will, executor, or next of kin. Try to be clear (and kind) about who holds this role. Even when others are deeply involved, clarity can ease tension points.

IV. Notifications: Who to Inform and When

Grief makes it hard to track communication. This list can help someone take the lead or coordinate with others.

Immediate (within 1–3 days)

Immediate family and closest loved ones

Pastor or spiritual advisor

Funeral home

Place of worship or faith community

Close friends and long-term chosen family

Primary care doctor or medical providers

Employer (theirs and/or yours)

Pet sitter, caregiver, or anyone with ongoing responsibilities

School or child’s teacher (if a child is impacted)

Tip: One person can take this on or coordinate with others. It’s okay to send a shared message or ask someone else to speak on your behalf.

Longer-Term (within 1–3 weeks)

Life insurance companies

Social Security Administration

Banks and credit unions

Mortgage or landlord

Utilities (electric, gas, phone, cable, internet)

Retirement or pension administrators

Credit card companies

DMV (driver’s license or vehicle registration)

Voter registration

Alumni groups, clubs, or organizations

Digital accounts or social media (can often be memorialized)

U.S. Postal Service (forwarding or stopping mail)

V. Planning the Service

Understanding the Options

Wake or Viewing: a moment at the funeral home or church when the body is present and people can come to pay their respects. This may be private or open to the public, and it typically takes place just before the funeral.

Funeral: Typically held within 10 days; casket is present.

Graveside Service: Often happens after or instead of a funeral.

Memorial Service: No casket. Can happen anytime. May include ashes and/or a photo.

Some families do both a smaller funeral and a later public memorial. Others choose one.

Service Planning Checklist

Confirm the date, location, and who will officiate. (Check the officiant’s availability before setting the date.)

Decide if the casket, cremains (ashes), and/or a large photo will be present.

Write (or ask someone to write) the obituary.

Identify readers and speakers (limit to 3 speakers, remarks should be ~ 1 page each).

Consider an open-mic time at the repast for additional stories or sharing.

Decide on music: Will it be live or recorded?
If the service will be held in a church, check for any policies about bringing in outside musicians.

Choose any photos, symbols, or rituals that will be part of the service with your officiant.

Create a slideshow or memory table (optional).

Arrange programs or printed materials (optional).

Coordinate burial or interment logistics, if applicable.

Plan catering or food for the repast.

Let attendees know what to expect: location, dress code, reception info, and more.

Obituary Template

[Full Name]
Date of Birth – Date of Death

[Name] was known as a beloved [roles: parent, sibling, friend, mentor, colleague, etc.].

They were born in [place], grew up in [place], and spent much of their life in [location/career focus].

They were proudest of [family, service, accomplishments, etc.].

They will be remembered for [qualities, values, community impact].

They are survived by: [list with this order protocol, as applicable: spouse, children, siblings, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces/nephews, grandnieces/nephews, other named people or communities].

VI. How Others Can Help

In the First Few Days

Be present for calls and meetings (funeral home, clergy).

Manage or track notifications (see Notifications section).

Deliver food or supplies.

In the Weeks that Follow

Host at the house: receive visitors, provide refreshments, support rest.

Provide freezer-friendly meals, snacks, beverages.

Care for pets, children, or logistics.

Help create memory items (slideshow, program, memory table).

Proofread or help write the obituary.

Offer gentle companionship and practical help.

VII. Navigating Disagreements, Conflict, and the Unexpected

Even in the most loving families, tensions can arise. Grief can magnify old dynamics, miscommunication, or differing expectations. This is common. It does not mean something is broken beyond repair.

People grieve differently. Some act quickly. Others pull back. Try not to take it personally.

Major decisions (burial, speakers, estate) can bring strong feelings. When possible, return to: What would our loved one have wanted?

Identify who is legally or practically responsible. This may be a legal next of kin or an executor.

For public figures or beloved community members: others may organize remembrances outside of the family’s plans. Let these unfold as needed.
You can offer clarity by saying: “This service is offered on behalf of the family. Other tributes may take place.”

Set boundaries as needed. “We’re still deciding” is a complete sentence.

A neutral third party (pastor, friend, advisor) can help when tensions rise.

Be kind to yourself. Not every moment will be graceful. Try again tomorrow.

VIII. Business & Legal Administration

Try to begin gathering documents within the first two weeks. Others can help.

Documents to Locate

Government-issued photo ID

Social Security card or number

Birth and marriage certificates

Will and/or trust documents

Funeral/burial instructions

Life and health insurance

Death certificate (order 5–10 certified copies)

Property deeds

Vehicle titles and registrations

Tax returns

Bank accounts and statements

Credit card bills and loans

Retirement accounts (401(k), IRA, pension)

Utility bills and subscriptions

Safe deposit box keys

List of digital accounts and passwords

Legal and Financial Contacts

If your loved one had an attorney, consider scheduling a meeting within the first two weeks.

Bring any known will or trust documents.

The attorney will guide probate or any next steps.

If your loved one had an accountant, they may assist with taxes and estate matters.

You don’t have to do this all at once. Just begin.

IX. If Finances Are Limited

There is help available. Many families—especially in NYC—face financial pressure during loss. Here are some resources to explore:

Hospital Bed Funds: Ask the hospital social worker if any are available.

NYC Burial Assistance: May be available for qualifying low-income families.
https://www.nyc.gov/site/hra/help/burial-assistance.page

Funeral Home Assistance: Ask about sliding scale or reduced services.

Community Support: Unions, congregations, or organizations may help.

Memorials Without Remains: Consider a gathering without casket or cremains. Deep meaning doesn’t require large expense.

Glossary of Common Terms

Administrator – Court-appointed manager of an estate without a will.

Autopsy – Medical exam of the body to determine cause of death.

Casket – (coffin) A vessel used to hold the body of the deceased for viewing, funeral services, and/or burial.

Cremains – Cremated remains (ashes).

Estate – Everything a person owns when they die.

Executor – Named person to carry out a will’s instructions.

Funeral – A service held with the body present.

Funeral Home – Business that coordinates body care and arrangements

Graveside Service – Ceremony held at the burial site.

Interment – Placing the body or ashes in final resting place.

Intestate – When someone dies without a will.

Medical Examiner – Government official who investigates certain deaths.

Memorial Service – Ceremony without the body present.

Next of Kin – Closest legal relative.

Officiant / Officiate – The person who leads a ceremony.

Power of Attorney – Permission to act on someone’s behalf (ends at death).

Probate – Legal process of validating a will and handling an estate.

Repast – A reception or meal after the service.

Wake – A gathering held before the funeral, often with the body present, where loved ones can come to pay their respects. Sometimes called a viewing or visitation, it may be private or public.

Will – Legal document outlining a person’s wishes.

Further Resources